SANTEE DANGLES BAIT, LURES CHARGERS TO EAST COUNTY

By E.Z. Pickens
 

April 1, 2010 (Santee) – The San Diego Chargers have received an offer from the City of Santee to construct a new Chargers stadium in the East County community.
 

“This will be a win-win for the Chargers and East County,” said Santee Mayor Randy Voepel, wearing a sporty bolts blazer. With the upcoming completion of Highway 52, Santee will be easily accessible from all parts of San Diego. Having an NFL team in Santee will not only be good for Charger fans, but will also boost revenues for our city.”

To fill stadium seats during the off-season, Voepel announced an innovative approach. “After learning that Fish & Wildlife officials have been putting surplus mountain lions to death that are captured near schools or preying on pets, we decided to give those lions a sporting chance,” he said. “So Santee’s new stadium arena will host lions vs. gladiators match-ups in the spring and summer months.”
 

Eager to shed stereotypical images of Santee as a haven for hate groups and rid his town of such troublemakers, Voepel revealed that he invited leaders of white supremacist gangs to prove their toughness by volunteering as the first gladiators.
 

“We held a pilot match Friday night at West Hills High School. The outcome of the practice round was Lions 6, Supremacists 0," the Mayor revealed.  "Now we're seeking new contestants to take on our well-fed big cats.”
 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) condemned the sporting events as “barbaric.” But the Mayor’s announcement drew applause from Santee sports fans-- and a commitment from a FOX producer to feature the new sporting events in an upcoming reality TV show.
 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!
To read more April Fool’s Day “news” from East County Magazine’s special April 1st, 2010 edition, please visit: http://www.eastcountymagazine.org/taxonomy/term/3460.