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EL CAJON DECLARED SAFE HAVEN: CHOSEN SANCTUARY CITY BY HIGH POWERS




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By Wanda B. Sekure
 

April 1, 2011 (El Cajon) -- The National Association of Insurance Commissioners has declared El Cajon the safest city in America.

 

“Our underwriters found that El Cajon is ideally situated to minimize risks of a catastrophe,” said Commissioner Macon Wills. “Not only is El Cajon midway between the Rose Canyon and Elsinore earthquake fault lines, it also sits far enough north to avoid border violence, inland a good half-hour from the coast, and a full 53 miles away from the San Onofre nuclear power plant,” he noted, adding that the U.S. has recommended a 50-mile evacuation zone around Japan’s troubled reactors. “ If a nuke meltdown, tsunami or killer quake occurs,” Wills declared, “El Cajon is going to look like heaven.”

 

The insurance expert also praised El Cajon for being one of the few East County communities that didn’t burn down in the 2003 and 2007 wildfires, a fact that he attributed to “lots of pavement and parks.” Moreover, the community’s virtually flat elevation keeps the risk of mudslides, blizzards, ice storms and avalanches at an astoundingly low level.
 

"Our Council has taken some heat in the past for supporting prayers, religious videos, and faith-based community initiatives,” Councilman Bob McClellan acknowledged in a press conference held outside a local church. “But clearly, our belief has been rewarded with this Divine protection our community now enjoys. We are truly blessed. Amen.”
 

Mayor Mark Lewis praised the news as a boon to the city’s economy.

 

El Cajon Community Development Corporation, which has been working hard to revitalize downtown, today unveiled a new slogan to entice tourists to visit or move here: “El Cajon: Better Safe Than Sorry!” 

 

To lure even more visitors from coastal quake and nuke zones, the ECCDC announced a "Safe and Sounds" concert series to be held inside the East County Performing Arts Center, which is being remodeled to double as a fall-out shelter for the ulitmate in paranoid tourism accommodations. 

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!

 

To read more April Fool’s Day “news” from East County Magazine’s special April 1st, 2011 edition, please visit: http://www.eastcountymagazine.org/taxonomy/term/7443

 

This permitted the so-called

This permitted the so-called highest and best use of the land in commercial terms. -Jonathan Berkowitz

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