SDSU TO ELIMINATE CALIFORNIA STUDENTS

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By Skip Tover Grad

April 1, 2010 (San Diego) – After realizing significant savings by eliminating local student admission guarantees, San Diego State University (SDSU) President Stephen Weber has announced a bold new initiative to save taxpayers even more money.
 

“We have decided to eliminate California students altogether,” Weber said. “With the budget crisis, we regret that we just can’t afford to provide an education for kids in our own community or home state."

 

Instead, he explained, "We will make lots more money by gouging out-of-state students on tuition and filling up our dorms. Better yet, we will work hard to attract as many foreign students as possible from oil-rich places like Saudi Arabia."
 

The announcement sparked an angry backlash among students, who launched a protest rally on campus.
 

“What’s going to happen to SDSU’s reputation as party school?” asked Sandy Beach, president of the Associated Student Body (ASB). “Without hot chicks and buff-looking surfer dudes, like, who would want to come here?”
 

Conceding that the students had a point, Weber agreed to admit a token number of California students each year provided they are tan, physically fit, and can pass a new Surfing Admissions Test (SAT). In-state students will be housed in a tent city at Mission Beach and bussed to campus, freeing up space in dorm rooms, frat and sorority houses for out-of-area admissions seeking the full SDSU experience.
 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!
To read more April Fool’s Day “news” from East County Magazine’s special April 1st, 2010 edition, please visit: http://www.eastcountymagazine.org/taxonomy/term/3460 .