April 1, 2017 Special Edition

SPECIAL EDITION: BREAKING NEWS APRIL 1, 2017

April 1, 2017—East County Magazine has the exclusive scoop on astounding major stories breaking today:

Is truth stranger than fiction? You decide.  Click links above for individual stories, or  click this link  to view blurbs on each of these stories in our extra-special April 1st edition. Then to open each special report, scroll down and click “read more." (Trust us, you won't want to miss this news!) 

HUNTER, DAVIS ANNOUNCE PLAN TO CUT TAXES AND BRING INNOVATIVE JOBS TO EL CAJON

 

By Star Wares

April 1, 2017 (El Cajon )—Congressional members Duncan Hunter and Susan Davis held a press conference today in El Cajon to unveil a new “replicator” technology to be headquartered near Gillespie Field.

“The era of high taxes is over,”  Rep. Hunter announced.  “What government needs, it can replicate. Now that  government only needs to fund payroll for vital services such as the military,  I will be introducing a bill to slash taxes by 50%.”

Rep. Davis explained, “Light years ahead of 3-D printer technology, the Vespuccia Replicator is capable of scanning, processing and instantaneously replicating objects ranging from bridge supports to tanks.”

LA MESA TO GAIN NEW LIBRARY—AND A VIRTUAL CITY HALL

 

 

By Abel Reader

April 1, 2017 (La Mesa) --By a unanimous vote, La Mesa’s City Council has voted to eliminate City Hall and build a state-of-the-art new library in its place, fulfilling a years-long promise to residents.  The project will be paid for by selling off the old police station to a developer who has committed to build affordable housing on the site.

MEXICO TO PAY FOR WALL

 

 

By Juana  B. Back

April 1, 2017 (San Diego) – In a surprise announcement this morning,  President Donald Trump tweeted that Mexico’s president has agreed to pay for the border wall. The decision came after the winning bid was awarded to a Mexican contracting company, Puerto Abierto, following a four-day bidding process in March.

“We’re going to build a HUGE wall.  The biggest and best wall ever,” Trump promised in a 4 a.m. tweet.  “Mexico has agreed to pay.  Puerto Abierto’s got the contract. They had the lowest bid, a real deal. HASTA LA VISTA, BAD HOMBRES!!!!”

SAN DIEGO MOTORISTS LAUNCH “POT FOR POTHOLES” INITIATIVE

 

 

By Axle Broke

April 1, 2017 (San Diego) –Last month, Supervisors voiced concerns over falling gas tax revenues and inadequate funding to repair roadways countywide.  Today, motorists seeking solutions to roads battered by winter storms held a press conference to announce  the “Pot for Potholes” ballot initiative to solve the region’s infrastructure problem.

HOMELESS HAVEN TO GO UNDERGROUND

 

 

 

By Bilbo Baggins

April 1, 2017 (San Diego) – The San Diego Regional Task Force on Homelessness has come up with a novel solution to shelter our region’s growing homeless population.

“By  constructing Hobbit-style homes tucked into hillsides along our border region, and connecting them  through a network of repurposed and enhanced tunnels originally built by drug smugglers, we can create a sustainable  yet unobtrusive “Homeless Hobbit Habitat,” said  Ben Diggin, task force spokesman.

PROPOSALS ROLL IN TO REPLACE SUN VALLEY GOLF COURSE IN LA MESA

 

 

By  O.K. Putter

April 1, 2017 (La Mesa) – Last month, La Mesa City Council announced it would not be renewing a lease with Sun Valley Golf Course near the community center.  The city asked for ideas for alternative uses of the site. 

Today, the city announced that a wide variety of  creative proposals have been submitted.  They include: